Gaslighting is a phenomenon where somebody makes you believe that you are in the wrong, even though you aren’t.
In some cases it could be a one off, but in more serious cases it could mean convincing you that you are abusive, mentally ill or paranoid amongst other things, which can undermine your self confidence and be extremely dangerous, especially if you have suffered from low self-esteem, depression or anxiety in the past. It could even trigger anxiety and depression.
The term gaslighting originates from a 1938 play called Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton. It was eventually adapted into a film, compounded into a single word as Gaslight, in 1944. The story features a conniving and murderous husband who tries to conceal his true identity from his wife.
Now let’s get this straight: not all gas lighters are aware that they are doing it. Some may genuinely believe that you are the problem when simply put they either don’t understand your behaviour or emotions or simply believe that there is something wrong with you, when in fact the way you are behaving is within the bounds of perfectly normal behaviour. However, many will be very aware of what they are doing and their attempt to control, manipulate or modify your behaviour is therefore extremely calculating, especially when it comes to involving other people and convincing them that you are a problem.
Gaslighters often make you feel that you are crazy, aggressive, lazy, weak etc. by blowing up your perfectly normal behaviour, emotions and responses to events out of proportion. Crying over a sad film is a sign of depression. Forgetting where you put your keys is a sign of craziness. Not doing the washing up shows how lazy you are.
Gaslighting can take many forms. Your memory of past events may be questioned, you may be accused of being aggressive, weak or vulnerable or it could be ongoing issues over housework for example…. ‘you never do the washing up’, ‘you eat too much’, ‘you’re ignorant or rude’, ‘you wind me up so much that I snap!’ Blaming you for their own behaviour is very common, especially when the relationship comes with other forms of controlling or aggressive behaviour.
So let me tell you about my experience.
Having been a sufferer of both depression and anxiety in the past, every time I cried because I was upset, expressed an option that my partner didn’t agree with or sent text messages in frustration that I wasn’t being listened to, my mental health was blamed.
And worse, he tried to convince both himself and my friends that this was the case, insisting that I had a mental illness and that he wasn’t qualified to deal with it. He told one of my friends that I was liar, had sent him hundreds of emails overnight when I had sent one and that I often displayed erratic behaviour in front of others that embarrassed him. He even emailed me after our breakup stating that he had been ignoring me for the past month because I clearly needed to calm down and didn’t really mean that it was over.
Do I know my own mind?
Yes!
On the anniversary of a parent’s death, is it too much to ask your boyfriend to pop over for some support? Is a cuddle or a word of reassurance neediness or proof of not being able to cope with one’s own’s emotions? Is sending a flurry of text messages after being ignored for a week because you are frustrated wrong?
No!
It’s called being human, and ironically a total lack of emotion when your partner is upset is in itself robotic and not within the bounds of normal human behaviour.
So I spend two years caught in this cycle:
- Ask for some support or ask for some company on a particular day that is important to me and loaded with emotion or ask if he loved me.
- Been cut off and ignored, for as long as a month at a time.
- Send one text, then a few days later a few more, then a few days later a lot more expressing my hurt and after being totally blanked, eventually stopped.
- Been told when he comes back it’s been for my own good so I can get strong and learn to control my emotions. This is because when I’m texting I’m working on high emotion and am clearly unstable.
- I then believe there is something wrong with me and beg forgiveness… accepting that I am unstable and need help. I even go for counselling; my counsellor tells me that the relationship feels unsafe. I can’t see it at the time because I’m too wrapped up in it.
This is gaslighting at its best!
So, if you find yourself in a situation where somebody keeps accusing you of having a problem, ask yourself the following questions:
- Is the person you are with is trying to manipulate, coerce or modify your behaviour in any way?
- Is the relationship abusive? Are there other signs of control, manipulation or aggression – verbal put downs, trying to turn your friends and family against you, perhaps even some physical aggression?
- Have you been told by others that your behaviour is wrong? Do other people see you in the same way?
- Can you step outside of the situation and see yourself as a couple. Does it feel safe and is it normal for the other person to be behaving this way towards you?
- Most importantly – are you with the right person? Because you deserve better and asking for help when you are feeling vulnerable, scared or simply needing some reassurance is perfectly normal.
Of course, gaslighting takes many forms, and your experience may look different to mine. Whatever the situation, if you are continually finding yourself questioning yourself because of what somebody is saying to you, seek help.
Women’s Aid, the National Domestic Violence Helpline or a counsellor might be good places to start.
