Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question your own thoughts, feelings or reality — even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
At times, it may appear subtle or even unintentional. However, in more serious cases, it can involve convincing you that you are the problem — that you are overreacting, unstable or even mentally unwell. Over time, this can erode your confidence and have a significant impact on your mental health, particularly if you have previously experienced anxiety, depression or low self-esteem.
Where the Term Comes From
The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, later adapted into the 1944 film Gaslight. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own perception of reality in order to control her.
Although the term has become more widely used today, its meaning is often misunderstood. Not every disagreement or misunderstanding is gaslighting. Instead, it’s the repeated pattern of undermining someone’s reality that defines it.
How Gaslighting Shows Up
Gaslighting doesn’t always look dramatic. In fact, it often shows up in everyday interactions.
For example, your emotions may be dismissed or exaggerated:
- Feeling upset becomes “you’re too emotional”
- Forgetting something small becomes “you’re losing it”
- Asking for support becomes “you’re needy”
Over time, normal human reactions are reframed as problems.
In addition, your memory of events may be questioned. You might hear things like:
- “That never happened”
- “You’re imagining things”
- “You always twist everything”
As a result, you begin to doubt yourself.
In many cases, blame is also shifted. Their behaviour becomes your fault:
- “You made me react like that”
- “If you didn’t push me, I wouldn’t snap”
Consequently, the focus moves away from their actions and onto your perceived shortcomings.
Awareness vs Intent
It’s important to recognise that not everyone who gaslights is consciously aware of what they’re doing. Some people genuinely believe their version of events.
However, others are fully aware. In those situations, gaslighting becomes a deliberate way to control, manipulate or reshape your behaviour — sometimes even involving other people to reinforce that narrative.
Either way, the impact on you can be the same.
My Experience
In my case, past struggles with anxiety and depression were repeatedly used against me.
Whenever I became upset, expressed a different opinion or reacted to being ignored, it was framed as a mental health issue. Instead of addressing the situation, the focus was shifted onto me.
Over time, this went further.
He began telling others that I was unstable — exaggerating situations, misrepresenting my behaviour and, in some cases, creating a completely different version of events. For example, one message would become “hundreds of emails”, and normal emotional reactions would be described as erratic or embarrassing.
Eventually, I started to question myself.
Was I overreacting?
Was I the problem?
In reality, I was responding to being ignored, unsupported and shut out.
Yet, because the narrative had been repeated so often, I began to believe it. I even sought counselling, convinced that I needed fixing. At the time, I couldn’t see clearly what was happening.
Looking back, the pattern is obvious.
The Cycle of Gaslighting
Over time, the behaviour followed a repeated pattern:
- I would ask for support or express a need
- I would be ignored or cut off completely
- I would try to reconnect, often becoming more emotional as the silence continued
- When contact resumed, I was told my reaction proved I was “too emotional” or “unstable”
- I would apologise and take responsibility
And then it would start again.
This is how gaslighting works. It shifts the focus away from the behaviour that caused the hurt and places it onto your reaction instead.
Asking Yourself the Right Questions
If something feels off, it’s worth stepping back and reflecting:
- Are your feelings regularly dismissed or minimised?
- Are you being blamed for someone else’s behaviour?
- Do you find yourself constantly questioning your own reactions?
- Are others being told a different version of events about you?
- Does the relationship feel safe, stable and supportive?
Just as importantly, consider how others see you. Do trusted friends or family recognise you as the person being described?
Final Thought
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognise when you’re in it, particularly because it often builds gradually.
However, if you find yourself repeatedly questioning your reality because of someone else’s words or behaviour, it’s important to take that seriously.
Seeking support can help you regain clarity and confidence. Organisations such as Women’s Aid, the National Domestic Violence Helpline or speaking to a qualified therapist can be a good place to start.
Most importantly, remember this:
Feeling upset, asking for support and expressing emotion are all part of being human. They are not flaws, and they are not something that should be used against you.
