If you have been in a relationship that felt intense, confusing and emotionally draining, you may have experienced the effects of poor object constancy.
Understanding object constancy in narcissism can help you make sense of why someone seemed loving one moment and distant or cold the next.
What Is Object Constancy?
Object constancy is the ability to maintain a stable emotional connection with someone, even when they are not physically present or when emotions fluctuate.
In healthy relationships, this means:
- You still feel connected even after an argument
- You don’t suddenly “switch off” your feelings for someone
- You can hold both positive and negative feelings about a person at the same time
It creates emotional stability and trust.
Object Constancy in Narcissism
In narcissism, object constancy is often underdeveloped or absent.
This means the person struggles to hold a consistent emotional view of others. Instead, their perception can shift quickly depending on how they feel in the moment.
As a result, you may notice:
- Sudden changes in behaviour or mood
- Intense closeness followed by distance
- Being idealised, then criticised or ignored
- A sense that you only “exist” when you are useful or present
This isn’t about logic. It’s about emotional regulation.
Why It Feels So Confusing
Without object constancy, relationships can feel unpredictable.
One day you may feel valued, loved and important. The next, you may feel dismissed, forgotten or replaced.
This creates emotional instability because:
- There is no consistent baseline
- Reassurance doesn’t last
- Conflict feels like rejection
- Distance feels like abandonment
Over time, you may start questioning yourself rather than the pattern.
The Link to Idealisation and Devaluation
A lack of object constancy often sits behind the cycle of idealisation and devaluation.
At the beginning, you may be placed on a pedestal. Everything feels intense and positive.
However, when something shifts — even something small — the perception changes. Instead of holding a balanced view, the person may:
- Withdraw emotionally
- Become critical
- Act as though the connection no longer matters
This shift can feel sudden, but it follows a pattern.
The Impact on You
Being in a relationship like this can affect your emotional wellbeing.
You may find yourself:
- Seeking reassurance more often
- Trying to “fix” things quickly
- Overanalysing conversations or behaviour
- Feeling anxious when there is distance
- Losing confidence in your own judgement
This is a natural response to inconsistency.
Object Constancy and Trauma Bonds
If the relationship includes cycles of closeness and withdrawal, it can create a trauma bond.
The inconsistency keeps you emotionally invested. You may hold on to the positive moments and hope they return.
This can make it harder to step back, even when the relationship feels unhealthy.
Moving Forward
Understanding object constancy helps you separate your experience from your self-worth.
You are not “too much” for wanting consistency. You are responding to instability.
Moving forward may involve:
- Recognising patterns rather than isolated incidents
- Setting boundaries around communication and behaviour
- Allowing distance without chasing reassurance
- Rebuilding trust in your own perspective
Final Thought
A healthy relationship feels consistent, even when it isn’t perfect.
If someone cannot maintain emotional connection during distance or conflict, the relationship can feel unstable over time.
Understanding object constancy gives you clarity. It helps you recognise what is happening and decide what you need going forward.
