What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation designed to make you question your own reality, memory, and feelings. Over time, it can leave you doubting yourself so deeply that you begin to rely on the other person’s version of events instead of your own.
It doesn’t always start obvious. In fact, it often begins subtly, disguised as concern, confusion, or even care.
Understanding the types of gaslighting can help you spot the patterns early and decide whether this is something you want to accept in your life.
The 9 types of gaslighting
1. Denial
This is where someone flat-out denies something happened, even when you know it did.
Example:
‘That never happened.’
‘I never said that.’
Over time, this can make you question your memory and feel unsure of what’s real.
2. Shifting blame
Instead of taking responsibility, they turn everything back onto you.
Example:
‘If you hadn’t reacted like that, I wouldn’t have done it.’
‘This is your fault.’
You end up carrying the weight of something that isn’t yours.
3. Withholding
They pretend not to understand or refuse to engage.
Example:
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘You’re making no sense.’
This creates confusion and shuts down communication completely.
4. Countering
They challenge your memory or perception constantly.
Example:
‘You always remember things wrong.’
‘That’s not how it happened.’
It slowly erodes your confidence in your own mind.
5. Deflection
They change the subject or bring up something else to avoid accountability.
Example:
‘What about the time you did…?’
‘Why are you always picking on me?’
The focus moves away from the issue, leaving things unresolved.
6. Minimising
They downplay your feelings or experiences.
Example:
‘You’re overreacting.’
‘It’s not a big deal.’
This can make you feel like your emotions are invalid or exaggerated.
7. Discrediting
They undermine your credibility, sometimes involving others.
Example:
‘Everyone thinks you’re too sensitive.’
‘You’re not stable right now.’
This isolates you and makes you question how others see you.
8. Emotional erosion
This is where kindness, affection, or reassurance is used inconsistently, often after harm.
Example:
‘I love you, I’d never hurt you.’
‘You know I care about you.’
But the behaviour doesn’t match the words. Over time, your confidence is worn down.
9. Rewriting the past
They change the narrative of what happened to suit them.
Example:
‘You were the one shouting.’
‘You started it.’
This can leave you feeling disoriented and unsure of your own experiences.
Why gaslighting is so damaging
Gaslighting isn’t just about arguments. It’s about control.
When someone repeatedly distorts your reality, it can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, overthinking, loss of confidence, emotional dependency, and feeling like you’re ‘going crazy’.
And that’s the point. If you don’t trust yourself, you’re easier to control.
How to respond to gaslighting
You don’t need to win the argument. You need to protect your sense of self.
Pause and check in with yourself. What do you believe happened?
Write things down. It helps you stay anchored in your reality.
Avoid over-explaining. You don’t need to prove your experience.
Set boundaries. ‘I’m not discussing this if you’re going to dismiss me.’
Seek support. Talk to someone you trust or a professional.
The truth you need to hold onto
If something feels off, it usually is.
Gaslighting works because it creates confusion. Clarity is your way out.
You don’t need their version of events to validate your experience.
Final thought
Recognising the types of gaslighting is often the first step in breaking free from it.
The real question isn’t just ‘Is this gaslighting?’
It’s ‘Is this how I want to be treated?’
And you already know the answer to that.
