It starts with what you believe
Imagine being with someone who tells the world they are a dog lover, in fact they love all animals because only the animals get them! Not casually, but as part of who they are. You see it in what they say and how they present themselves. Other people see it too, which makes it feel consistent and safe. You believe it because it makes sense to. Someone who loves animals must have empathy, or at least that’s what you tell yourself. Then something happens that doesn’t fit. It’s not always dramatic, but it feels wrong. Your stomach drops and you can’t quite explain why.
When reality doesn’t match the image
For me, it was Luna. Her insurance had been cancelled without my knowledge. There was no conversation or discussion. It was just done. Someone made a decision about something that mattered deeply to me. When I questioned it, I expected concern, maybe even panic about her wellbeing. Instead, I was told to have her put down. It wasn’t said in anger or emotion. It came across as calm and practical, like it was the obvious solution. Like she was a problem to remove. That moment changed everything.
Understanding narcissism and control
This is where narcissism and control start to make sense. It was never about being a dog lover. It was about making decisions without me and removing my voice. It was about control. Love does not look like that, and care does not override someone else’s choice. Empathy does not disappear when it matters most. When you step back, the label stops matching the behaviour.
The confusion that keeps you stuck
This is the part that messes with your head. How can someone say they love animals and act like that? How can both things exist at once? So you try to make it make sense. Maybe they were stressed. Maybe they didn’t think it through. Maybe you are overreacting. You look for a version of reality that feels easier to sit with. But the truth usually sits in what you felt first, before you started explaining it away.
It was never just the dog
When you step back, you start to see the pattern. It wasn’t just Luna. Anything that matters to you can become part of it. Your attachments, your relationships, and your sense of stability all get pulled in. It’s not always loud or aggressive. It can feel quiet and controlled. Decisions happen without you, and people cross lines without acknowledgement. Over time, nothing feels fully safe.
When everything becomes a tool
This is where narcissism and control become clear. It’s not just about one moment. It’s about a pattern that repeats. They dismiss your feelings and question your reality. The things you care about get used in ways that don’t feel right. Even the things that should feel safe don’t feel safe anymore. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
What love actually looks like
Love does not remove your voice or override your choices. It does not treat something you love as disposable. When you look at it like that, the label stops mattering. It doesn’t matter what someone calls themselves. It matters how they behave, especially in private.
Trust what you felt
If something made your stomach drop, there was a reason. If something felt off, it was. You don’t need to explain it away or get their agreement. You don’t need to minimise something that hurt you or something you love. Your experience is enough.
Final thought
People will tell the world who they are. But they show you in private. That is the version that matters. That is the truth to trust.
