For most children, hearing that their parents are separating can feel overwhelming. Therefore, telling the children in the right way matters.
If possible, have the conversation together and choose a calm moment. Keep your message simple and clear. Younger children, in particular, need straightforward explanations they can understand.
Explain that you will be living in separate homes, but they will still spend time with both parents. Repeat key points so they feel reassured and understand what is happening.
Most importantly, make it clear that the separation is not their fault and that both parents still love them.
What should I say to reassure my child?
Children need stability and reassurance.
Let them know that you are still their Mum and Dad and that your love for them has not changed. In addition, reassure them that they will continue to be cared for and supported.
Encourage them to ask questions and talk about their feelings. Listen carefully and answer honestly, but keep explanations age-appropriate.
It also helps to remind them that they will still have a relationship with both parents.
What should I avoid saying or doing?
Avoid criticising or blaming the other parent in front of your child. Although it may feel justified, it can be deeply upsetting for them.
Do not ask your child to take sides or involve them in adult disagreements. This places emotional pressure on them that they should not have to carry.
Similarly, avoid relying on your child for emotional support. They need to feel safe and secure, not responsible for your wellbeing.
If they ask about the other parent, answer calmly. Ignoring their questions or shutting down the conversation can create confusion and anxiety.
Trying to turn your child against the other parent can cause long-term harm and may damage your relationship with them in the future.
How can I support my child’s relationship with the other parent?
Children benefit from having a loving relationship with both parents, where it is safe to do so.
Make sure they can contact the other parent between visits, whether by phone, message or video call. Encourage communication and allow them to share their experiences freely.
Be respectful of the time they spend with the other parent. Avoid interrupting contact or planning competing activities during that time.
What does divorce feel like from a child’s perspective?
It can help to step back and see things through your child’s eyes.
Children often feel torn when one parent speaks negatively about the other. They may feel like they have to choose sides, which can be confusing and distressing.
Hearing arguments or being exposed to adult issues such as money or legal matters can make them feel anxious and overwhelmed.
They may also feel guilty for spending time with one parent if they think it will upset the other.
At the same time, children need to feel free to love both parents without pressure, guilt or fear.
How can I reduce stress for my child during separation?
Keep adult issues separate from your child’s world. This includes avoiding conversations about finances, legal matters or conflict in front of them.
Allow them to move freely between both homes with their belongings. This helps them feel settled and secure in both environments.
Where possible, be friendly and respectful towards the other parent in shared spaces such as school events or activities. Even small efforts can make a big difference to your child.
Should I get my child extra support?
Some children adjust quickly, while others may struggle.
If your child seems anxious, withdrawn or overwhelmed, consider additional support such as counselling. This gives them a safe space to talk about their feelings.
What is the most important thing to remember?
Your child is not part of the conflict.
They need to feel loved, safe and supported by both parents. By keeping their needs at the centre and managing your own emotions separately, you give them the best chance to adjust and feel secure.
Let them be a child, not a go-between.
And above all, let them love both of you.
A Child’s Perspective on Divorce
Please try to see this through my eyes.
Do not speak badly about my other parent. It hurts me more than you realise and makes me feel bad about myself too.
Do not criticise their family or friends. I care about them, even if you don’t.
Do not involve me in adult conversations about the divorce. Hearing about it makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed. Please keep those discussions between adults.
Do not talk about money or child support in front of me. It makes me feel guilty, like I am a burden instead of your child.
Do not make me feel bad for spending time with my other parent. I need to feel safe loving both of you.
Do not try to stop me seeing or speaking to my other parent. That is upsetting and confusing for me.
Do not interrupt my time with them by calling constantly or planning things during their time. Let me enjoy being there without pressure.
Do not argue in front of me or where I can hear. Even if you think I am not listening, I am, and it affects me.
Do not ask me to spy or report back. It makes me feel disloyal and uncomfortable.
Do not ask me to keep secrets. Secrets make me anxious and unsure who I can trust.
Do not question me about what happens at the other house. Let me share what I want, when I am ready.
Do not use me to pass messages. Please speak to each other directly.
Do not blame my other parent for the divorce or for problems in your life. It puts me in the middle, and I do not know how to handle that.
Let me take my belongings between both homes. It helps me feel settled and like I belong in both places.
Understand that I have two homes now. Even if I spend more time in one, both matter to me.
Do not expect me to take on adult responsibilities. I am still a child and need space to just be one.
Do not ignore my other parent at school events or sit apart in silence. It makes me feel sad. Please be polite, even if it is difficult.
Let me love both of you without guilt. Let me see each of you as much as possible, even if it is not always convenient.
Above all, please remember this:
I need both of you.
I love both of you.
Please do not make me choose.
Thank you for loving me more than you dislike each other.
