Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship is rarely a single moment of clarity. For most people it is a process — messy, non-linear and full of setbacks. Research consistently shows that on average a victim leaves seven times before leaving for good. That figure is not a reflection of weakness or poor judgement. It reflects the enormous complexity of what leaving actually involves.
If you have tried to leave before and gone back, you are not a failure. You are doing one of the hardest things a person can do, and the fact that you are still trying matters more than the number of attempts it takes.
Why Leaving Takes Time
Understanding why leaving is so difficult can help you be kinder to yourself about where you are in the process.
The practical barriers alone are significant — housing, finances, children, shared lives built over months or years. Underneath those sit the emotional ones, which are often harder to navigate. Trauma bonding, hope that things will change, fear of being alone, love for the person causing harm — these are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are signs that you are human.
Fear also plays a central role. For many people, the period around leaving is statistically the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship. Knowing that does not mean staying is safer — but it does mean that leaving requires thought, preparation and support rather than a sudden departure wherever possible.
Before You Leave: The Preparation That Matters
How you prepare depends significantly on your situation — particularly whether you share a home with the person causing harm.
If You Live Together
Leaving a shared home requires careful planning. Acting suddenly without preparation can increase risk, so where possible it helps to think through the following before you go.
Documents and essentials — try to gather or make copies of important documents when it is safe to do so. These include your passport, birth certificate, National Insurance number, bank details, any tenancy or mortgage documents and your children’s documents if relevant. Keep copies somewhere safe outside the home — with a trusted person or in a secure digital location.
Money — if your finances are controlled or shared, consider opening a personal bank account in your name only, ideally with paperless statements. Even setting aside small amounts over time can give you options when you need them.
A bag — some people keep a bag packed with essentials at a trusted person’s home or somewhere accessible. This might include medication, chargers, a change of clothes, cash and any documents you have managed to copy.
Who to tell — think carefully about who you tell and when. Telling the wrong person too soon can create risk if information gets back to your partner. Choose one or two people you trust completely and let them know what is happening.
Where you will go — having a plan for your first night and first few days matters. This might be a friend or family member’s home, or a refuge place arranged in advance. Your local domestic abuse service can help you think this through and access emergency accommodation if needed.
Digital safety — before you leave, consider what your partner can see. Shared accounts, location sharing, tracking apps and phone records can all compromise your safety. The domestic abuse charity Refuge runs a technology safety resource that can help you identify and address digital risks specific to your situation.
If You Do Not Live Together
Leaving is practically different when you do not share a home, but it brings its own challenges. Your partner knows where you live. They may have a key. They may have established patterns of turning up unannounced.
Changing your locks as soon as you feel safe to do so is worth prioritising. Informing trusted neighbours, your workplace or your children’s school that your partner should not have access can add a layer of protection. If their behaviour escalates after you end the relationship, documenting everything — dates, times, messages, incidents — builds a record that may support you if you need legal protection later.
Telling Them It Is Over
There is no universally safe way to end an abusive relationship, and the right approach depends on your specific situation and the level of risk involved.
Where possible, ending the relationship in a public place with people nearby reduces the risk of an immediate escalation. Having a trusted person aware of where you are and when to expect to hear from you adds another layer of safety.
In higher risk situations, some people choose to leave without a direct confrontation — going when the other person is not present and communicating the end of the relationship by message or through a third party. This is not cowardice. In some situations it is the safest and most sensible option available.
If you are unsure what level of risk you face, a domestic abuse specialist can help you think through a personalised safety plan before you take any steps.
If You Have Children
Leaving with children adds significant complexity. Many parents stay longer than they otherwise would out of fear — fear of what leaving looks like legally, fear of shared custody, fear of their children spending unsupervised time with an abusive partner.
These fears are valid and worth taking seriously. A family law solicitor with experience in domestic abuse cases can advise you on your specific situation. Legal aid remains available for victims of domestic abuse in family law cases in the UK, which means cost should not be a barrier to getting proper advice.
Keeping a record of incidents, including anything the children have witnessed or experienced, can be important evidence if custody or contact arrangements become contested.
If You Have Gone Back Before
Going back after leaving does not erase the progress you made. Every attempt teaches you something. Every attempt brings you closer to understanding what you need to make the next one permanent.
The reasons people return are well documented — and none of them are shameful. Missing the person, financial pressure, the children, hope that this time will be different, the trauma bond pulling you back. These are powerful forces, and they do not disappear the moment you walk out the door.
What helps is having more support in place each time. More people who know what is happening. More practical resources. A clearer plan. If going back has been part of your experience, think about what was missing last time — and what would need to be different to give yourself a stronger foundation this time.
You Do Not Have to Have It All Figured Out
Leaving does not require a perfect plan. It does not require certainty, or a guarantee of what comes next, or the absence of fear. Many people leave with very little in place and find support on the other side.
What matters is that you start somewhere. One conversation with one trusted person. One phone call to a domestic abuse service. One small step towards a life that does not feel like this.
That step is available to you right now — and you do not have to take it alone.
